I know. I know. My title is a hashtag. It is a little unconventional. But so is what I am going to say. This has been rolling around in my head, and simmering in my heart for a long time.
I’ve noticed lately that the tape that runs in the back of my head is full of anxious thoughts. What did he think of that? Did she not like what I said? What if I made the wrong decision at work? Did I eat enough protein. Man, I haven’t gone to the gym in a week, I must be a failure. That last part is where my thoughts seem to end up. Or maybe they start there. This perfectionistic ultimatum I give myself. A badge that i can never attain of being worthy enough. But the truth is, no thoughts, no needs, no words spoken can indeed make me worthy enough; that comes from within. Me, as I am now, in this imperfect yet so beautiful state is worth of all the love and compassion in the world – especially my own.
I’m sure those of you struggling with an illness can relate. Doesn’t matter where you battle something thrust upon you suddenly, or like me your whole life has been consumed by the next doctor, “healing diet”, and newest supplement, I want to share with you something I am learning. (and I say learning because its a journey I will always be on.)
What if you told yourself right now, in this moment, “I love you”, “I see you”, “I love this body I am in, with all its quirks, unpleasant symptoms, raging thoughts an anxiety”…you get the picture. What if you said “I accept, in this moment, the struggle I am in, is my reality and it is me. I am grateful for the gifts it offers me. The lessons I learn.” It gives a new meaning to #thestruggleisreal doesn’t it? Yes! The STRUGGLE is REAL. It is my real, and it is the best I can do right now.
Sometimes I stop, and instead of fighting the anxiety, I lean in a little. What exactly is swirling around in my head? My body? Can I just sit for a minute and experience this moment? Discomfort can be a great teacher, having autoimmune disease has taught me that I am both the student and the teacher.
I take a deep breathe and shower myself in a little compassion. It is ok to be upset. It is ok that I am Cory’s journey. What has inflammation taught me? To stop and be still even more. To breathe deeply and accept this moment as is- as beautiful and messy. Inflammation has taught me to be grateful for my anti-inflammatory foods that nourish my body. Inflammation has taught me that talking is healing. That sharing my authentic true self with others opens doors to connections I never thought possible.
I’d love to hear what your struggles are teaching you.
In new meaning,